Now that some people at the national level are trying to behave civilly, I suggest we try it at the local level too. The biggest challenge—community meetings, especially when there is a liquor license change or a new development proposed.

You know how it goes. The presenters explain what they’ve done in the past and how necessary they are for the functioning of the community. They discuss their goals, show drawings, and explain why they need the changes.

The audience sits quietly but tight-lipped through the presentation.

Then they start to sneer.

“I’ve lived here for 40 years,” someone will say, meaning that they know better than everyone else what’s good for the neighborhood.

They question the presenters’ honesty. “You’re not telling us what you really want to do,” is the unspoken accusation.

They question the presenters’ motives. “You just want to make your property more valuable,” they say.

They suggest that the materials the presenters have brought with them don’t tell the whole story.

If it is a proposal to build a rooftop deck, invariably someone who already has a deck nearby will oppose the new one, apparently not realizing the hypocrisy they are displaying.

Audience members predict increased traffic, more parking problems, the decline of the value of their property and mayhem. My personal favorite is when someone complains about loss of sunlight when the project is to the north of their property.

They complain that they might have to face a neighbor’s window—heaven forbid, as if all of us don’t already face neighbors’ windows. They predict the ruin of the neighborhood if the presenter achieves his goals.

The audience gets excited. They’re a team. They’re the good guys, and they are prevailing. Woe to the person who has a different point of view.  They usually don’t speak up because they sense the mob rule. A few people quietly leave the room.

The wise presenters let the audience bray. The unwise presenters get defensive.

Everyone looks bad.

Unfortunately, I have had to go to many community meetings. Unfortunately, I have had to go to meetings in several downtown neighborhoods. They exhaust me.  I’m embarrassed, mostly for the audience. There must be a better way.

The proposals I’ve heard that are truly terrible are few and far between. The presenters are usually owners trying to make more money or a better life for themselves—goals that all of us share. Sometimes they are employees just trying make their institutions or companies better. Like all of us, the presenters are only muddling through. While some people—you know who you are—think all real estate developers and all business owners are crooks and destroyers—it simply isn’t true.

Downtown companies, institutions, shops and restaurants are the reason we can walk to work, tend to our needs, maintain our health and entertain ourselves. Their proximity and success are critical to residents’ quality of life. We need them, and they need us. I admit that community meetings are better than what went before. Often, but not always, the proposal or project is better after the community as vetted it. If there had been community meetings of the sort we have now, the old West End might not have been obliterated.

So here’s a proposal. Let’s be polite. Let’s refrain from sneering, impugning motives and accusing presenters of dastardly deeds. Let’s use the principles of “Getting to Yes,” a book by the early leaders of the Harvard Negotiation Project that 30 years ago outlined how to resolve the sticky problems that almost every community meeting addresses. Change is hard, especially for Bostonians, so let’s separate our anxieties about change from the actual changes that are proposed. Let’s come into these meetings with a sense of our shared goals and how all the parties can get what they want. Let’s negotiate with respect.

After all, if we can’t do it in prosperous, beautiful, felicitous, convenient downtown Boston, how can we expect the Palestinians and the Israelis to come to terms?